If you find that you do some of the following things, PUH-LEEZE don't do 'em
when I'm there cuz I'll just get medieval... :)
Waking up the wrong way in the morning because people hit me, open and close the doors, watch the
TV too loud, run into doors and walls (?!!)... Believe me, I'll be in a cranky mood the rest of the
day, and you don't want that.
People who take long-ass showers and end up using all of the hot water.
Playing the baby-grand piano in my house with long fingernails and messing up the ivories: clickity-clack clickity-clack...
Joey and Dawson constantly fighting/breaking up on Dawson's Creek.
Drivers who don't know who to use their friggin turn signals correctly.
Drivers who don't notice they left their friggin turn signals on.
"Hmmm... I wonder what that flashing thing is for on the instrument panel. Oh well..."
A certain counselor who gave me the advice of "not applying to UC Berkeley since getting in
would be highly unlikely..." Let me drop my pants now so you can kiss my ass...
The friggin' BART police--why do they have to drive on regular freeways and make me slow down just
because I think that they're "real" highway patrol cruisers! I mean, you won't know that they're only
BART police until they pass you up and you see their light blue-and-white paint jobs!
Drivers who can't deal with cyclists sharing the road with 'em. If you mess with me, don't be
surprised to find all of your 4 tires FLAT when you get back to your car.
Drivers who change lanes in front of you... 20mph slower than your speed!
Drivers who know they can't drive worth a damn, but still feel the need to yak it up on their
cell phones. ring-ring... "Hello?.. Huh?.. I'm on the freeway... Why?.. But, why?!.
Oh, okay... I'll come home now, mom..." HAHAHA!!! Incidentally, my best friend, Floyd, told me
that research showed over 80% of people using a cell phone in a car were faking it!
'Sup with that, man?!
Students at CAL who intentionally make it their job to try and screw the rest of the other
students by taking down notices from professors about new office hours, breaking in and stealing
notes in display cases to be used by the entire class, setting off fire alarms, calling in bomb
threats, etc.
People who smack their gums when they eat and chew with their mouths open.
Passengers in my car who start to whimper when I drive on my favorite mountain road.
Passengers who wipe their greasy hands all over the inside windows on my car
People who don't take good care of their cars then complain like they're gonna kill someone
when it unexpectedly breaks down.
People who complain too much but don't actually make the effort to change things.
People who are afraid to try new things.
People afraid of living an active life for fear that they may die. If you died the next day,
wouldn't you feel like a dumb-ass for not doing what you wanted?!
One word: P - R - U - D - E - S.
They must be closet freaks--once they get behind closed doors, they're sex animals!
Judgmental people--are they so concerned with what others may think that they practically live
in their own shells?
Old people who still try to dress young. If you're really 35, but only look like you're 25, that's
cool. But, if you're 55 and trying to look 25, give it up--'em Daisy Dukes weren't meant for you. You
may wanna look into the Boss Hog's, though...
People who think that they're all that and more, but they really aren't!
Know-it-alls who don't...
People who use the bathroom and don't wash their hands. Can you say "E. Coli?"
People who don't know how to properly commit suicide -- they give their families, EMS
workers, and, not to mention, themselves a hard time when they don't do it right. I responded to
a suicide call one time. An elderly man with a gravely sick wife just couldn't take the stress
anymore, so he took a .38 revolver and shot himself in the head, through the right temple. I thought
it was just a "clean up job", but the man was still alive! He was snoring, though -- if
a person isn't asleep and is snoring, that's a bad neurological sign. I'll spare you guys the details
of what else happened, but if you're curious, feel free to ask...
Drivers who slap decals all over their car, thinking
that they'll automatically make it faster. The funny thing is, most of the cars gone buck wild with the
decals are Hondacuras... Hmmm... Decal Power to the rescue! Hahaha!!! Decals are cool. But, they're
butt-ugly when they're in excess.
Drivers who double park in crowded, high-traffic streets who think that by turning on their hazards
it's okay to block traffic.
The urge to pimp slap people has occurred every now and then when rice boys try to
front and say that other cars suck. With all of the hype going on with the 9-second 1/4-mile
Civic, some just won't let it down. The fact is, the old-skool Toyotas annihilated the 9-second
"barrier" 2 years before any other import did! And yes, that includes Honda. And what's up
with the 9-second Civic? The only thing that resembles a stock Civic is the body shell! Hahaha!!!
In order for the Civic to reach this level, the engine had to get steel inserts for the cylinders,
it's basically a funny-car tube frame setup, and there isn't even a piece of stock interior left!
Check out the quick Toyotas--you don't see 'em with their interiors all gutted out! Hell, the engines
don't even have steel inserts--if they did, tho, they'd be making crazy-ass power levels!
Kids who try to look and sound like they know their way around cars--well, they consider body kits,
rims, watermelon-sized exhaust tips, wake-the-dead exhaust tone, intakes, and drop-down-to-the-ground
springs as knowing their cars. When you start messing with your engine's internals yourself
(and not pay some shop to do it), only then will I respect you.
Kids who slam their cars so low that their exhaust pipe sparks each time it makes contact with
the road following a bump. I mean, do they really think that having 1" of suspension travel is safe???
I was driving on my favorite windy road and all of a sudden, some kid in a super-dropped Integra starts
tailing my ass! So, I turn up the heat and whatta ya know... I hear/see his car's rear end losing traction
and breaking loose. Now, what was that about slammed cars looking "cool?" Just recently, I saw some Civic Si
on I-880 near Oakland that was dropped so low that the exhaust canister was constantly making sparks when
going over bumps (there are so many on that freeway). Also, it looks like it was riding on the bumpstops cuz
there was no give in the suspension travel! The car would just rock back and forth to take the hit. Anyway,
I was cruising along at 75-80 mph when he catches up to me on my side. We hit a bump at the same time when
all of a sudden, I heard a loud exhaust noise. I dropped back thinking that it may be me--nope, it was the
Civic! His exhaust canister broke off at the inlet piping and was kept in place by the front exhaust hanger!
Being the bastard that I am, I rolled up next to him and just gave a wry smile...
Wannabe import racers who think racing and looking cool is dependent on power-on oversteer/drifting.
Oh sorry, you kids call it e-brake turns or slide-turning. Heh, how gay is THAT?!
Speaking about e-brakes... Whenever I'm doing my course walk for an SFR SCCA SOLO II event, I'll
occasionally hear some kids (who shall remain nameless, but you know who you are!) arguing the proper location
to "pull the e-brake." Hmmmm... I submit my hypothesis that the time spent on finding the correct moment
to "pull the e-brake" is inversely proportional to how fast they actually run. Yup... These kids don't
pull fast times. Concentrate on the proper driving technique, guys! We ain't on no Pro Rally stage!!!
Kids in shitty-ass import cars that are all show-and no go, trying to act all hard. It takes a
lot for me to REALLY race someone on public roads. One recent example was when I was cruising at a steady
70 mph on a freeway, minding my own business and bopping my head to some music. Next thing I know, some
bitch-ass kids roll up next to me in a damn Toyota Tercel of all cars! I dunno when their moms decided to
give 'em her grocery-getter, but it didn't take much time for them to "soup it up." [smirk] The driver pulls
up right alongside of me, slips it in neutral (it was prob'ly an automatic, fer chrissakes!), then revs the
poor thing. At least get a decent-sounding exhaust can on the thing, dude! I never raced him because I knew
that I would've whooped his ass so hard that his mama would've felt it. Seriously, man--why race your Tercel
against my Corolla GT-S? Is your self-image so lacking that you need to boost it with external means by
racing? Heh, that's like me going up against a Mk IV Toyota Supra Turbo! If the owner of the gray late-model,
kitted-out Toyota Tercel with the shitty exhaust is still looking for a race, tell him to meet me at the next
autocross or, better yet, Highway 1.
Cars who have 'em big-ass 5" monster tachs mounted near the pillar... for an automatic tranny! Yep... Must
be nice to know when the transmission decides to switch the gears for you. I mean, it's cool if your car didn't
come with a tach, but why would you need two tachs? Oh yeah... For the street drags, huh?.. =)
Here's something I found on the net... Looks like I'm not the only one who notices riceboys... =)
