Humor

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Rice Citation

Here's something I found on the net... Looks like I'm not the only one who notices riceboys... =)

Proof That Girls Are Evil

I used to hate doing geometric proofs in high school. I wish I thought of this one.

Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

1. Motorcycles' curves never sag.
2. You can ride a motorcycle at any time of the month.
3. Motorcycles don't have parents.
4. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
6. You can share your motorcycle with your friends.
7. If your motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
8. If you motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
9. Motorcycles don't care about how many other motorcycles you've ridden.
10. When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
11. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other motorcycles, or if you buy motorcycle magazines.
12. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your motorcycle.
13. You don't have to convince your motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that motorcycles are equals.
14. If you say bad things to your motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
15. You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
16. You parents don't remain in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.
17. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
18. Motorcycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
19. Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.
20. You don't have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.
21. It's always okay to use tie-downs on your motorcycle.
22. You can't get diseases from a motorcycle that you don't know very well.
23. You don't have to take your motorcycle out to inner to get a ride on it.
24. You can leave your motorcycle out in the garage and it won't complain about the cold.
25. You can ignore your motorcycle and it won't ask why.
26. Your motorcycle won't look at the grease on your collar and ask where you got it from.
27. You can ride your motorcycle in public.
28. You can flirt with girls when you're with your motorcycle.
29. If your motorcycle isn't working, you can always borrow your friend's.
30. If you see a girl riding a motorcycle, you don't have to worry.
31. You can choke your motorcycle.
32. Motorcycles won't leave you for another rider.
33. Motorcycles don't wake you up at 3:00 AM andask you if you love it.
34. You don't get into trouble with the law for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with...
4. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
5. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
6. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
7. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
8. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
9. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY?: Is "felony" sex with a cat? Because if it is... no.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

This article is Copyright 1997 by Greg Bulmash. It may be freely distributed in e-mail so long as long as it remains intact, including this notice. Visit me.

A group of people are sitting in a room having a discussion. A man at the front starts a conversation about ghosts. He asks, how many people here have seen a ghost? The whole room puts their hands up. Then he asks how many people have touched a ghost? Half the people put their hands up. Then he asks how many people have ever had sex with a ghost? One man at the back puts his hand up with a funny look on his face. The whole group stares at him for awhile, then the man at the front asks again, very clearly, sir, you have had sex with a ghost? The man replies, GHOST!? I thought you said goats, my mistake.

It was the first day of school in Dallas and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said. "Very good!

Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna! puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said,"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked" and Suzuki said, "The Taliban, 2001!"