And Even More Humor

... Things to Do with America Online Diskettes

1. Place under table leg to stop the wobbling.
2. Scrape ice off your windshield.
3. Build a replica of the Empire State Building.
4. Pave the streets of Calcutta.
5. Play Frisbee.
6. One word: Skeet!
7. Burn in backyard to create cloud of poisonous gas.
8. Insulate your attic.
9. Hand out to guests as coasters.
10. Collect 52, draw numbers and symbols on them, then play poker.
11. Build a wall, then drive through it with your car.
12. Send 7,000,000,000 of them to Pepsi and demand the Harrier jet.
13. Backup your new 4GB SCSI drive.

... Things to Do with Junk Email
1. Send it to people you don't know.
2. Respond in Polish.
3. Ask to be sent three more copies for your files.
4. Correct the spelling and grammar, then send it back.
5. Copy the list of recipients and start your own counter junk email movement.
6. Print it out and attach it to your resume.
7. Send it to your local paper as an editorial.
8. Read it to your kids at bed time.
9. Respond, asking for a barter based on sexual favors.
10. Use it for wallpaper.
11. Forward it to the CIA and claim it's a cover for a spy network.
12. Delete it and fume silently.

... Things to Do with Your Office Cubicle
1. Put up Velcro strips and throw yourself up on the walls, pretending you're David Letterman.
2. Decorate it with thousands of multi-colored Post-It notes.
3. Declare your independence and secede.
4. Bring a blanket from home and make a fort.
5. Become a toll booth and charge each passerby $1.
6. Install a mirrored ball and boombox and open a disco.
7. Surf the Internet naked.
8. Put coiled razor wire along the top of your walls; install a searchlight.
9. Start a war with a cubicle in the next department.
10. Install one of those annoying electric eyes that buzzes every time someone crosses your threshold; pretend you're a dry cleaner.

... Ways to Get Thrown Out of the Chemistry Lab
1. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
2. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
3. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
4. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
5. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
6. Deny the existence of chemicals.
7. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
8. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
9. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.
10. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

... Pick-Up Lines Used by Asian Men
1. My eyes may seem small but I've got a HUGE personality!
2. Hey baby, wanna ride in my 16-valve, twin-cam lowered Acura Integra with BBS gold-spiked rims and a subwoofered stereo that'll leave you breathless?
   (You guys KNOW that I prefer Toyotas over Hondas 'n' Acuras...)
3. You know what? It's strange, but I get mistaken for a white guy all the time!
4. Do I cook? Well, not really but I can whip up a pretty mean fried rice!
5. Yeah, (sniff) I cried during "Joy Luck Club."
6. What do I do? Gee, I thought you would never ask. Y'see, I'm finishing my first year of residency in internal medicine.
7. Has anyone ever told you you look like Chun Li? You know, that chick from Street Fighter 2.
8. Uhhhh, no, I didn't play football in high school but I did letter in varsity volleyball and tennis.
9. I carry this beeper not to feel important but so my mom knows where I am. I carry this phone to call her back.
10. I may look like a nerd but it's only a disguise.

... Signs That You're Too Drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. Job interfering with your drinking.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
5. You fall off the floor...
6. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
7. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm...
8. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
9. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
10. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
11. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

... Signs That Your Car Has Too Much Horsepower (from Adrian Black)
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacque Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shifts back to red as you're receeding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. "Civic? What Honda Civic? Where?", is all you can think to say to the policeman frowning at you.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
21. You need parachute braking.

... Signs That You May Be A Racer (from Stephen Gunter)
1. You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
2. You've been known to yell "It means check your mirrors retard!" at your television.
3. You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
4. You plan your wedding around the race schedule.
5. You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.
6. You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One".
7. You know the quarter mile times for your riding mower.
8. You've embarrassed your spouse at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving.
9. You know the "racing line" for every turn on your daily commute, including all your alternate routes, and practice hitting them everyday.
10. No tire dealer in town will honor their tread wear warranty on any car that you've been seen near.
11. You quote your street tire life in weeks rather than miles.
12. You regularly live-test your rev-limiter on that straight that's a little too long for second but not worth going into third...
13. Even if you don't have ABS, you never lock your brakes unless you "really wanted to do that".
14. You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute, as well as your weekend hobby.
15. You've slalomed in a construction zone and counted your penalty time in the rearview mirror afterwards.

... Signs That You May Be A Racer (Part 2)
(From the San Francisco Region SCCA Road Racing Site)
1. You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
2. You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars (seats).
3. You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.
4. You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to "racing depth".
5. When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
6. When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.
7. You change engine oil every other week.
8. You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.
9. You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
   My personal favorite!
10. Your racing budget is one of the big three - mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.
11. Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
12. You walk "proper lines" through the grocery store.
13. You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.
14. You bought a race car before buying a house.
15. You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
16. You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
17. You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.
18. The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
    
    1. 8-car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
    2. Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
    3. 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
    4. A grease pit.
    5. Conveniently close to a hazardous waste disposal site.
    6. Deaf neighbors.
    7. Across the street from a paint and body shop.
    8. Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere or hookups for the motorhome.
19. You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.
20. You know well that orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets of tires.
21. You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
22. You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.
23. Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."
24. Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
25. You have enough spare parts to build another car.
26. More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.
27. You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
28. If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.
29. Your Christmas list begins with "another set of Toyo RA1's" and aluminum rods (and your 'significant other' knows what these are).
30. After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"
31. You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.
32. Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith has ever written and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.
33. People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.
34. People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you're the one stuck in the mud at ButtonBog last weekend!"
35. Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
36. Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.
37. Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.
38. Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".
39. You plan your wedding around the race schedule.
40. You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.
41. You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.
42. Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
43. You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
44. A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
45. You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.
46. You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.
47. You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
48. You always do a toe & heel downshift while your passenger gives you a real funny look.
49. You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
50. You can't stand understeer.
51. You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle better.
52. You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
53. You hate long distance drives to visit relatives or to go on vacation, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
54. You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
55. You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her van.
56. You save broken car parts as "mementos".
57. Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly.
58. You've found your lawn mower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't care for alcohol).
59. The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust system.
60. You spend more time polishing your exhaust tips every day than you do bathing.
61. Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have qualifying times.
62. You would choose a roll bar over air conditioning if it were an option.
63. You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency brake to kick the back end out.
64. White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
65. You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter."
66. Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.
67. When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "Prepared to Win."
68. When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
69. You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.
70. You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
71. You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them.
72. After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"

... Ways to Make Autocrossing Better, More Interesting (by Rob Krider, from North American Pylon)
1. After each lap, you get your time slip and a shot of whiskey.
2. Each car must have a dog in the passenger seat.
3. Run the courses in only one gear, reverse.
4. Each driver has to have a 44 oz. Big Gulp in between their legs, penalty time will be assessed for spilling.
5. Every driver gets one Mulligan cone.
6. During the course walk through everyone has to roll a tire along the course.
7. Course workers should be nudists.
8. The first lap has to be on street tires, then a one man NASCAR style pit top for racing tires.
9. Use an auctioneer to read lap times.
10. Everyone who runs with their mother-in-law in the trunk gets a three second advantage. (For the weight of course)
11. Eliminate course workers, when a driver hits a cone he has to stop and shag his own as fast as he can.
12. Night time autocrosses using only a hand held AA mini mag light to see with.
13. Paper bags over the drivers helmets with a co-driver giving directions. (the dog?)
14. Everybody drives a British car!
15. Use the "honor system" for self rule interpretation, self tech and protests inspected by yourself. "I acknowledged your protest and looked over the car and the rule book and decided that the Sprint Car wing on my Neon does not remove it from the stock class."
16. Set up extremely complex courses with intersections, and then hand out route instructions to combine rallying with autocrossing.
17. Each car must be running one space saver spare tire on the right front.
18. Car class and numbers on the side of the cars can only be read by Braille.
19. Use the dB meter to enforce the new rule that each car stereo must exceed 200 dBs at 50 ft. John Tesh easy listening is required in the GCR. Heavy Metal music will bump any car into A Mod.
20. Gamble just like the horse tracks. (We could use more spectators.)
21. Corvette drivers must bring a note from a doctor verifying testosterone levels.
22. All trailered-in race cars' final lap times must be averaged in with the lap times of the truck and trailer.
23. Cheerleaders.
24. Each event should have one lottery cone. The lottery cone will be realized by the lucky person who is first to hit it that day, since it will filled with 20 pounds of concrete.
25. And the 25th way to make autocrossing better, get rid of all 'em damn cones.

... Sexually Suggestive Lines in the Star Wars Trilogy

Star Wars:
1. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
2. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
3. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
4. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
5. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
6. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
7. "Sorry about the mess..."
8. "Look at the size of that thing!"
9. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
10. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

Empire Strikes Back:
1. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
2. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
3. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
4. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
7. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
8. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
9. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
10. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

Return of The Jedi:
1. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
2. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
3. "I never knew I had it in me."
4. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
5. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... You almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."
6. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
7. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
8. "She's gonna blow!"
9. "I think you'll fit in nicely."
10. "Rise, my friend."

... Best Things to Say if Caught Napping at Your Desk
1. "They told me at the blood bank that this would happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the cap off the white-out!"
4. "I wasn't sleeping. I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
7. "Actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan'(SLEEP)."
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice Yoga?"
9. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to the Y2K problem."
10. "The coffee machine is broken."
11. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
12. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off."
13. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
14. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands."
15. "Amen."

... Ways to Know that You're a Filipino (from C. Lopez)
1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
4. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
5. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
6. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
7. You have never used your dishwasher.
8. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
9. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
10. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
11. You always leave your shoes at the door.
12. You have a piano in your living room.
13. You play a musical instrument.
14. You pick your teeth at the dinner table but you cover your mouth.
15. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
16. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
17. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
18. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's.
19. Ditto for paper napkins.
20. You never order room service.
21. You own a rice cooker.
22. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
23. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
24. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
25. When you go to a dance party, there is a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
26. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and hey prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.
27. Your parents' house is always cold.
28. You reuse teabags.
29. Your mom drives her Mercedes to Sam's Club.
30. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.
31. You only make long distance calls after 11 pm.
32. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon (ampalaya).
33. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached--it means they're fresh.
34. You always cook too much.
35. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
36. You e-mail your friends at work, even though you are only 10 feet apart.
37. Your parents send money to their relatives in the Philippines.
38. You're always on "Filipino Time", a concept known as being LATE.
39. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
40. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.
41. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
42. Your parents are never happy with your grades.
43. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again.
44. You keep used batteries.
45. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
46. Your relatives either work in medicine or real estate.
47. You take this message and forward it to all your Filipino friends.

... Things Men Know About Women
1.  
2.  
3.  
4.  
5.  
6.  
7.  
8.  
9.  
10. They have breasts.