Humor... (Had enough, yet?!)

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Life


When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 30 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 37 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 42, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 47 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

    The Marriage Name Game
    (Contributed by JoAnn Crisostomo)

  • If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
  • If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
  • If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey - it's the '90's), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
  • If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
  • If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
  • If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
  • If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
  • If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
  • Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name,so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
  • If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
  • If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician),she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
  • If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
  • If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader...
  • If Ivana Trump married Neil Diamond she'd be Ivana Diamond, if she divorced him and married Jack Nickalus, she'd be Ivana Diamond Nickalus, then if she divorced him and married Ron Darling, she'd be Ivana Diamond Nickalus Darling. (from an old buddy, Tim Aguon)

      • The Three Phases in a Man's Life After Marriage

    (Contributed by Cesar Valderama)
  • Tri-weekly.
  • Try-weekly.
  • Try-weakly.

    • Are you ready for it OR are you already at it?! :-)

      And You Thought You Were Computer Illiterate

    (Contributed by L. Lavarias)
  • Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of a flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
  • AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
  • Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
  • Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
  • A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
  • Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
  • Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
  • Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
  • A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
  • An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
  • Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
  • True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

    • Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

    Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

    Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

    Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

    Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

      Seinfeld Riddles...
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  • Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  • Why is the word abbreviation so long?
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
  • What's another word for thesaurus?
  • If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  • If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
  • When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  • If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  • If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  • If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  • Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  • Why is bra singular and panties plural?
  • If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  • When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why do they report power outages on TV?

    • California Highway Police
    (One of my favorite ones; from Stephen Gunter)

    The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball." He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

    Speed Traps
    (another one from Stephen)

    A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture... of handcuffs.

    A Mechanic Joke
    (yet another from Stephen)

    A Gynecolgist decides that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score he received -- 200%.

    So, he goes to talk to the instructor. The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler.

    Three Samurai...

    Three samurai meet to decide which among them is the greatest swordsman.

    The judge approached the first samurai and opened a small box. Out flew a fly. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly fell to the ground, neatly sliced in half. "Very impressive,"said the judge.

    Now the judge came to the second samurai. Again, he opened a small box. The samurai's sword flashed twice and the fly fell neatly cut into four parts. "Superb," exclaimed the judge! Finally it was the third samurai's turn.

    The judge opened a third small box and a third fly buzzed out. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly continued to buzz away. The third samurai put up his sword with a satisfied grin on his face. "But the fly still lives" observed the judge. "True," replied the samurai, " But he will never reproduce again!"

    My Autocross Routine...
    (From Mikhal el Arculli)

    1. Get in the car.
    2. Strap myself in (5 point harness).
    3. Realize the keys to the car are in my front pants pocket.
    4. Unstrap.
    5. Get out of the car and get the keys out of my pocket.
    6. Get in the car.
    7. Strap myself in.
    8. Put the keys in the ignition.
    9. Notice my helmet sitting on the passenger floor.
    10. Unstrap.
    11. Put the helmet on the passenger seat.
    12. Strap myself in.
    13. Notice the driver's door is still open.
    14. Wonder why the guy next to me on grid thinks this is so funny.
    15. Unstrap.
    16. Close the driver's door on the lap belt.
    17. Try to strap back in.
    18. Open the door to free up the lap belt.
    19. Strap myself in.
    20. Notice the driver's door is still open.
    21. Start getting irritated at guy next to me on grid who is cackling like a chicken.
    22. Put helmet on head, scraping glasses down nose and onto the floor.
    23. Take helmet off.
    24. Unstrap.
    25. Pickup glasses.
    26. Strap myself in.
    27. Notice my helmet sitting on the passenger floor.
    28. Decide the guy next to me on grid is having a coronary by the way he's twitching and jerking.
    29. Unstrap.
    30. Put the helmet on my head.
    31. Try to strap myself in but I can't see the latch because of the helmet.
    32. Take helmet off, carefully putting it on the passenger seat.
    33. Strap myself in.
    34. Starting to hope the coronary the guy is going through finishes soon.
    35. Put helmet on.
    36. Notice glasses on passenger side of dash.
    37. Unstrap.
    38. Put glasses on.
    39. Strap myself in.
    40. The guy next to me must be dead 'cuz I can't see him sitting up in the car anymore.

    Do you have any more jokes to add? Just email me the jokes and I'll add 'em here along with your name.

    ae92gts@yahoo.com