When Does It End?!

[ Page One | Page Two | Page Three | Page Four | Page Five | Page Six ]

Hillary Gets Revenge
(Contributed by L.L.)

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."

Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."

Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go her Mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, Dear. He's really not your father."

    What Girls Really Mean
  • Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
  • I just need some space. ...without you in it.
  • Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
  • Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while.
  • No, pizza's fine. Cheap bastard.
  • I just don't want a boyfriend. I just do not want (you as) a boyfriend.
  • I don't know; what do you want to do? I can't believe that you have nothing planned.
  • Come here. My puppy does this, too.
  • I like you but... I don't like you.
  • You never listen. You never listen.
  • We're moving too quickly. I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend.
  • I'll be ready in a minute. I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
  • Oh Yes! Right there! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
  • There's no one else. I am doing your brother.
  • Size doesn't count... Unless I want an orgasm.

      • What Guys Really Mean
  • It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
  • She's kinda cute. I want to bang her till I am blue.
  • I don't know if I like her. She won't blow me.
  • I need you. My hand is tired.
  • I had her. I had (wet dreams about) her all week.
  • I really want to get to know you better. ...so I can tell my friends about it.
  • How do I compare with all your Other boyfriends? Is my penis really that small?
  • You're the only girl I've ever cared about. You are the only girl who has not rejected me.
  • I want you back. ...for tonight anyway.
  • I miss you so much. I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.
  • No, I do not want to dance right now. Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on!
  • The break-up should not start for another 24 hours. I want to have sex a few more times.
  • I am different from all the other guys. I am not circumcised.

    • Funny Bumper Stickers

    Horn broken. Watch for finger.

    Keep honking... I'm reloading.

    Your kid may be an honors students, but you're still an idiot.

    All generalizations are false.

    Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

    I brake for no apparent reason.

    Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

    I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

    Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.

    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    I love cats... they taste like chicken.

    Rehab is for quitters.

    I get enough excercise just pushing my luck.

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times, I let her sleep.

    Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

    I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

    Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

    No radio -- already stolen.

    OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

    Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

    It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

    Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

    There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

    Caution: I drive like you do.

    Officer, if I have this bumper sticker that says, "Support the Police," on my bumper, will you still give me a ticket?

    Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter!

    A rich couple was going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night.

    Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early. As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room.

    She calls for him to follow her.

    She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully.

    "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her.

    "Jeeves. Take off my bra and panties." Again, he silently obeys her.

    The tension was really getting tight as she smiles and look at Jeeves.

    "Jeeves," she said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

      You Might be a Redneck Jedi If... (from Bill Sherwood)
  • You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
  • Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
  • You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
  • At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
  • You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
  • You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
  • You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
  • You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
  • The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
  • Wookies are offended by your BO.
  • You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
  • You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
  • Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the darkside...it'll be a hoot."
  • You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
  • You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
  • You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.
  • You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
  • You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
  • Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
  • You ever fell in love with your sister.
  • You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
  • You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
  • You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.
  • You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the Cantina scene.
  • In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just "ain't right."

    • Similarities Between Nixon and Clinton
    (from H. Villegas)

    Nixon: Watergate
    Clinton: Waterbed

    Nixon: His biggest fear -- the Cold War
    Clinton: His biggest fear -- a Cold Sore

    Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
    Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

    Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
    Clinton: His Vice President was a geek

    Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
    Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

    Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tapes
    Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

    Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
    Clinton: same

    Nixon: Ex-President
    Clinton: Sex-President

    Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
    Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"

    Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
    Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot

    Captain Bravado

    Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.

    Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

    That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

    As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

    Do you have any more jokes to add? Just email me the jokes and I'll add 'em here along with your name.

    ae92gts@yahoo.com